my heart is ripped clean from my chest. a good reminder that i had one at all.
my life is a crumbled mess. everything is in shambles.
i have no family left. everything is empty. nothing is there.

and there is nothing to say. for once I dont have lines upon lines to write.
my heart once glass.. it is shattered and i have nothing.
and i want nothing. and i will be nothing.
because i have nothing.

God, why am I here? Whats the point in living if this is my life.
Please God, give me something to live for.
Because I am dead inside.
Empty and dead.
I feel like I could be shot 15 times in the heart and still walk
away. Because I am a walking corpse.
I am nothing.
I have nothing.

And everything in my world collapses with the loss of her.
She was the center of my everything and I didn't even know it.

Will I ever be happy again?
They tell me yes, but they don't fucking know.
They dont know this pain. This pain that brings me to my knees.
Even when I am laughing
Even when I am smiling
Right behind that smile is darkness.
Death and quitting.
My heart flew out the window and I watched it go.
To weak to even breathe.

What a confusing feeling... to want you back so so bad.
And at the same time, I would never take you back.
Not into this world... not back into your pain.
I could never do that to you.

I FUCKING QUIT.
Is this what life is all about?
WHAT THE FUCK!
I hate life. I fucking hate life.
I have nothing..
Oh please God, give me something.
Give me something and PLEASE dont take it away.
You ripped her from my fingers.
She was mine. She was my best friend.
Why did you do that?

But I know God. I know.
The second I question you, I change my mind.
I know she was never mine, she was completely yours.
I just loved her a lot... a lot.
And now I can't touch her.. I can't feel her.
I can't call her and tell her what happened that day.
I cant smell her hair or touch her cheek.
She's gone and I don't even realize it yet.

I don't understand.
Why do I have nothing?
Well I guess I got my wish, wishing to be like Job.
And I wouldnt take it back.

Forgive me God, but sometimes I just close my eyes
and wish so hard that I get hit by a semi.
It wouldnt be so bad if I was older and didn't have
much life left.
But I am 20 and have already spent my life hurting so deeply.
And now this.
And that.
And this.
Why am I predesitned to hurt?

I know that you promise to give joy.
But when? And what kind of joy?
Please God, give me real joy.
Give me someone to help ease this pain.. this huge loss.
But there is no one.
I know there isnt anyone or anything.
Because you can't replace someone like her.
And I wouldnt even dream of trying to.

God you see my heart.. is it still there?
Because I cant feel anything but this HUGE hole in my chest.
If I closed my eyes and opened them, I swear I would open
my eyes again to see the inside of my chest.
Black and gaping.
And it wouldnt even shock me.. I would just stare.
Like I already knew that the hole was there and I wasnt going
to do anything about it.

So why God, why all this hurt?
Why all this emptiness?
Please, tell me, what is the point of living?
To help other people, you say.
I'm sorry, but FUCK PEOPLE.
What do they care? They dont.

Please forgive my anger.
Please forgive all my sins and my selfishness.
But God I am just so confused.
I am so hurt.
I am so empty.
And God? I just want to die.
I want to die in any way possible, painful or quick.
I just want to go.

All I can see is a life full of heartache.
And I dont believe them when they say it will get better
because what the hell do they know?
I want no one and nothing.
Because no one can bring me comfort.
I just want her.
And thats the only thing that I cannot have.
And thats life right.

So tell me God, why did you make life such a suckfest?
Why more so for other people?
Why did my mom have to suffer so much?
Why does my dad and brothers?
I dont understand you.
I dont understand why you bring such hurt in SUCH amounts.
I'm sorry God but I kind of want to punch you.
I dont FUCKING UNDERSTAND.
Why are you doing this?
TELL ME FUCKING WHY?!

I'm sorry God... I get angry at you.
And then I feel bad.
Cause I love you a lot. and you are my only
source of strength and comfort.
I dont understand though... and I would give anything
to just... understand.
Or some hope... or peace.

But you are God and you are my God.
You know what you are doing and you love me a lot.
So please God, give my boys peace.
Put my daddys sad heart to peace and give him
joy when he wakes tomorrow.
Give him strength, peace, understanding, acceptance, joy...
Give him great things.
Same with all my boys.
My mommy is in peace now.. she is with you.
Will you please give me pieces of her?
Because I cant survive without her God... I can't.
Please help my boys.
Please God, please.. I'm begging you wiht everything.
Please.


...Mommy? I wish you could read this.. I wish you could hear me.
I miss you so much.
I'm so happy you are out of pain though.. and with Brandon.
But I miss you! How can I live without your touch?
When every where I look.. everywhere I turn, its you.
You're there and I cant run from it.
There is no wher eI can go, no distance I can travel to get away from this.
Mommy, did you choose to leave this soon?
Did you give up?
I understand mommy. You were tired.
But I miss you so much... Oh my gosh I miss you so much.
Sometimes I dont even believe in heaven.
Sometimes I just dont even know.
But I know you would hate that,if I even stopped believing.
So I never will.
And if there is a place that I can believe and believe all my life
until I die, with the small chance that yuo might be there?
Then I will believe it with everything I am.

Only 20 years with you.
I feel as though I have been robbed and brutalized.
But I cant be selfish because for once, this is about you.
So be at peace mommy.
Rest and enjoy the feeling of no pain, all joy.
They tell me what a lifetime is to us, is like 15 minutes to you...
So I will see you in 15 minutes.
I love you wiht every single tiny pore and fiber that I am.
Save a spot in a fluffly bed in heaven next to you.
So I can lay by you forever and have you play with my hair.
We can laugh like we used to and play.
I love you mommy.